Ku Je?

My Dearest Elira,

Yesterday marked exactly 15 months since I last saw your beautiful face, 15 months since I touched the body I willed into this world against all odds. A friend took my picture last night. I hadn’t seen myself since you left. I look so small, so drastically reduced. The last time my body became this small was when I was pregnant with you. I couldn’t keep any food down, I was too weak to get my body off the bed. I crawled to the bathroom. I was in and out of the hospital trying to keep you well-nourished and growing. Now, I use my energy to adjust to living without your physical presence, to nourish the gigantic hole of your absence. I roam the world wondering where you are. I look for you everywhere, the wind, the birds, the sky, the shadows, the silence. I hold on to your love and I wake up every day, like clockwork.

I walk to class, I look for you.

I brush my teeth, I search for you.

I take the trash out, I look for you.

I write an email, I think of you.

I comb my hair, I think of you.

I walk the dog, I search for you.

I talk about party politics, I think of you.

I close my eyes, I dream of you.

I look at pictures, I search for you.

I breathe, I think of you.

Every second of every minute,

Every hour of every day,

I search for you,

I think of you,

I dream of you.

My love, as I move my reduced body through this physical world without you, I hold on to the beauty you brought to me and the world. I am intent in holding on to love, to kindness, to open hearts and minds, to warm hands and embracing arms, to gentle comforting words. I am intent in learning from your gentle spirit that will accompany me on this journey all of the days of my life.