Gezuar Ditelindjen, Zemra Ime!
“Zemra e mamit, shpirti i mamit, i bukuri i mamit, vajza me e bukur ne bote, Elira.”
I whispered these words in Albanian to you as I caressed your forehead every night while you slept quietly in your room. Even in the deepest sleep, you would hear my words and make cute cuddly faces and purring noises. You are my baby, Elira, my heart and my soul, my beauty, the most beautiful girl in the world. The words didn’t sound just as warm and just as loving as they sounded in Albanian. We shared this deep connection through language and music, this love that came through our ancestors, a love that only souls can understand. You entered my life swiftly one Friday evening on February 13, and I knew, I was transformed, I would be loved forever. Before you came, I was a wanderer, a young girl away from home. You became my home, Elira. You loved me like only “my people” love me, intensely, obsessively, deeply. You spoke words of comfort to me in my language. “Te kam shpirt, ma.” “Te dua shume, shume, ma” “Ku je?” Every time you spoke like that, you melted my heart. With every word you spoke, your heart and mine became one.
Together we longed for the loud voices and noises we missed, the multitude of people who loved and waited for us at the Albanian airport every time we arrived. Together, we dreamed of blue waters and rocky beaches. We stopped at mall corners and smelled the cigarette smoke that reminded us of “home.” We sobbed in the plane on our way back, holding on to each-other, as the tiny little green and blue spot that held our heart disappeared in the horizon. You were too young to understand, my love, but without knowing, you became my “home.” You became all the love I missed, the far away sounds, the closeness of my people, the joy of our laughing. You laughed and cried when I did, you knew the depths of my soul.
As I sit here and try to remember you on your 15th birthday, I cry and I sob for what I no longer have, your body and your voice, your beautiful black hair, Your long “surgeon” fingers on the piano keys, the amazing anthem of my life you produced with your piano and your saxophone. The sarcasm and the jokes, the beautiful mind that solved all problems. My right hand, my best friend. But, I also sit here and I am grateful for all the love that I received in the 14 years you were here on earth and for all the love I will receive all the years of my life. I understand now that you will always be mine. I clearly see the love enveloping all other feelings of longing and despair, fear and uncertainty, confusion and loneliness. Our love, Elira, does all of that.
This month I asked friends and family to engage in 15 acts of love to remember your 15th birthday. I have been touched by the response, by the actions, by the love itself. In my intense longing for you, that love has lifted me up, it has kept me grounded. I also took the challenge myself and walked this journey of rising above my pain to see others, to touch and to be there despite my brokenness. And I felt you closer, I felt you next to me because I know that’s what you did, that’s what you would do. You always made sure others were okay.
Today, on your 15th birthday I celebrate your life, the gift you are to me, my daughter and my love, in this life and beyond. I drove up to your High School yesterday and I decorated “your tree,” on the hill, just as you would have wanted it. Because even in the next realm, I am still your mother, you are still my daughter, and I will always love you. I know you hear me whispering to you, "Zemra e mamit, shpirti i mamit, i bukuri i mamit, vajza me e bukur ne bote, Elira.”
Gezuar Ditelindjen, Zemra Ime! Happy Birthday, My Love! Thank you for choosing me to be your mother.
